Last week, I had to go back to the doctor to be reassessed as I had had a relapse on Mid-Autumn Festival -- 21 September 21 -- which was too close to the edge for comfort than had ever been.
It is probably better to use pictures to illustrate the severity of the episode this time, but I am not ready to post these photos on a public platform...even this post is a struggle for me to type. Being ashamed of my condition does not adequately describe the judgement on myself as I kept seeing this as an obstacle to achieving my goals of starting my own family. Daily medication means my fertility is affected, not to mention the common side effects of dizziness, hot flushes, weight gain due to increase in appetite. My doctor prescribed another medication for me to try at the lowest dosage of 0.25mg and covered me for two weeks of medical leave.
How do I feel? To be honest, I only have myself to blame for setting myself back again, when I was already "in remission" for several months prior. It seemed like the world was on my side finally when efforts bore fruit and many crucial events turned out well despite an arduous and tumultuous process.
"Taking things one step at a time" is no mean feat for a naturally impatient and strong-headed person as me. I have always been more of a "big picture", "looking at the long run" and macro kind of personality, who wears my heart on my sleeve. Having this condition and having to keep it like a dirty little secret is mind-boggling (pretty literal) and heart-wrenching. I know there is more I can do by sharing my struggles openly with others who may also be on the journey of recovery or who may still be in denial to get medically diagnosed.
On a side note, yesterday was 10.10 - World Mental Health Day! Seeing how the coronavirus has undoubtedly opened discussions on de-stigmatising mental illness, raising awareness of mental disorders, as well as help patients and caregivers find common ground to smoothen the journey to recovery, has really signified the change in attitudes and discourse towards mental disorders.
"... can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher, actress best known for playing Princess Leia in the Star Wars films